Wait, how do I do this again?

I'm starting a new novel and finding it very...weird.

When people ask me why I wrote The Society of Shame, I’ve got a few different answers, because there are a few different reasons. But my favorite is: “I was getting over a bad breakup”—pause for effect—“with another book.”

As some of you long-time readers may recall (I love you, long-time readers!) before I wrote The Society of Shame, I spent nearly five years writing a novel called Grateful. It was the story of an impoverished single mom whose four-year-old daughter is diagnosed with leukemia,* and her increasingly complicated relationship with the yuppie mother across the street who befriends her and makes her and her daughter her “cause.”

(*My daughter Clio had leukemia when she was 5. She’s 16 now, and healthy as can be.)

Alas, in spite of this INCREDIBLY cheery subject matter, my agent was unable to sell the book.

I was gutted. And angry. And then I got an idea for a new book—a very, very different kind of book, with a completely different voice and tone. My reinvention book. My rebound book. My meaningless sex book. My “what have I got to lose?” book. That book was The Society of Shame. And then, whaddya know. It actually got published.

My “No, really, I really am an author, see?” picture (taken by my mother, naturally) at Sherman’s bookstore in Freeport, Maine.

It’s been amazing, having The S.o.S. out the world, and seeing it in bookstores around the country (and Canada! Also Canada!) in the pictures friends send me. I’ve been loving doing events and book club visits and interviews and all the rest.

But I’ve also been itching to get back into the writing part of being a writer. I don’t feel quite right—quite me—when I’m not working on a book. Even though I can actually only spend an hour or two writing most days (if that), due to the demands of work and family, having that big project in the background anchors and centers me in a way nothing else can.

I’m happy to say that I’ve got an idea for a new novel that’s been marinating for quite some time, and over the past couple of months I’ve finally started to buckle down and work on it in earnest. But I gotta say: I’m finding it a lot harder to get back into the groove this time than last.

First of all, I’m not coming off the heels of heartbreak, fancying myself a phoenix rising from the ashes, with “Gonna Fly Now” playing the background of a thrilling progress montage. (Jane at desk. Jane staring out window. Jane drinking coffee. Jane getting feedback from writing group. Jane in her favorite chair. Jane drinking wine and shoveling Wheat Thins into her mouth. Jane staring at her screen. Jane punching giant slabs of raw meat. Etc.)

Second of all: Gah! Performance anxiety! It’s not like The Society of Shame has been a bestseller or won any awards or anything. But it has reached a much wider audience than anything else I’ve written, and some of those new readers might be interested in picking up the next book I write. But…what if they don’t think it’s as good? What if reviewers don’t think it’s as good? Hell, what if my publisher doesn’t think it’s as good and, therefore, doesn’t want to publish it? Or, what if they think it’s just good enough, and publish it, and it totally flops, and then nobody will publish anything I write ever again after that? WHAT IF WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE?? (Note: we are all going to die.)

I know that I need to just push these anxieties aside and soldier on. But it’s easier said than done.

Third of all—and this is something many novelists will tell you—in many ways, every time you start a new book, you feel like you’re a rank beginner again. You’ve totally forgotten how to do it. You’re sitting there at your desk or in your chair, maybe shoveling Wheat Thins into your mouth, thinking: What is a scene, again? How do I get characters from point A to point B? Am I using too many flashbacks? What is semicolon? How dialogue? Where book start? Why doing this? Am total fraud!

(I don’t know why you’re talking like that, but apparently you are.)

Sadly, there is no step-by-step formula for writing a novel; no well-trodden path to follow. (One of my favorite quotes about writing is something W. Somerset Maugham allegedly said: “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are.”) All I can do is jump in and start flailing around in the waters of the blank page, having faith that I will eventually figure out what the hell I’m doing; that ultimately I will have a first draft done, and from there I can shape it into something resembling an actual, bonafide novel. One that will maybe even be good.

But I’m a loooooooong way from that shore.

The good news? When I do manage to stop overthinking and worrying and just let myself be carried by the current of the book’s narrative voice, I actually have quite a lot of fun. And following the fun is key to any useful progress when it comes to my writing—as writing The Society of Shame showed me. (And as my friend Cathy, over at my favorite writing Substack, Hibou, recently reminded me. Writers: read her Substack!)

So. Onward and upward I go.

They’re not just metaphorical ladders. They’re REAL freaking ladders from my most recent hike: Mt. Willey. (My penultimate hike in my quest to hike all 48 of New Hampshire’s 4,000-footers!) Turns out hiking is actually an important part of my writing process. I get a ton of good thinking and plotting done while I’m huffing and puffing up those peaks by myself. Cue “Gonna Fly Now.”

Look, I know this hasn’t been a terribly cheeky or hilarious post. But it’s me working through my shit, man. And sometimes it’s just what I gotta use this space for.

If you like reading my blatherings about writing, here are a few other posts of mine you might enjoy checking out:

• The good news edition (about the role of luck in publishing)

• If you always do what you’ve always done… (about how/why I decided to write The Society of Shame, starring my alter ego, Janette)

• Lighten up Francis (about having fun while writing)

• Morning writing is magic (about why I drag my ass out of bed when I’d rather not)

• In-Between Pantsing & Plotting (actually a podcast episode on the fantastic, star-studded 7 am Novelist series, where I talk with author and host Michelle Hoover about my “process” and I use that word lightly.)

But if you don’t like that sort of thing, well, here’s a quiz about grocery shopping that people seem to enjoy.

Thank you as always for reading.

All posts on Jane’s Calamity are free and publicly available, but writing is how I make my living. If you like this weird-ass newsletter, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription.

P.S. I’m thrilled to share the news that there’s officially going to be a paperback edition of The Society of Shame! It will be out on March 12, and you can pre-order it now.

P.P.S. If you read and enjoyed my book, I’d be forever indebted if you would leave a quick rating or review on Goodreads or Amazon. Unfortunately, you must rate in stars, not negative zebras or vicodin. (If you know, you know.) Thank you!