After wanting to eat nothing but fish sticks, mac & cheese, Spam, and cereal her whole life, in spite of my efforts to introduce variety, my eldest came home from college all enthused about these awesome new, super-tasty foods she'd discovered. Like...tomatoes, for gawd's sake. So don't be surprised if they feel the need to school you on what a limited kind of life you have been living.
And one by one as the kids moved out, I missed the piles of their leavings for exactly zero seconds. I got my house back and time, and headspace, and, thanks to pre-grieving, maybe, but maybe not... all the sorrow I thought I'd feel never materialized. The great thing is, you now get to actually enjoy your kids in a whole different way than ever before. Fear not. The best is yet to come.
I’m not entirely an empty nester, but when my oldest was leaving for college two summers ago, I wrote a whole lot about that. It was a really fraught time for me. I can only assure you that as it turns out, there are things that change for the better beyond the exciting use of pepper flakes. (which I experienced as well, what is that?) We think of it as closing a book but really it’s just starting a new chapter to use a terribly trite cliché. You got this!
Also, wow, will you love those FaceTime calls for advice when they come in. ❤️
1-Both of my sons became more obnoxious for the last 6 months at home as in more argumentative and curmudgeonly. It made their departures easier to take.
2-My one son who pressed every last one of my buttons was the one to call me on Sundays. Our first phone call lasted longer than all he spoke to me in the previous few months.
3-I loved being able to see my freshly cleaned kitchen counters and empty sink for more than a couple minutes, more like a few hours!
4-For us, traveling meant driving to Portland, Maine for the foodie scene. Walking into Standard Bakery is like entering a Parisian boulangerie (yes, baguettes in the morning and at 4pm) and Harbor fish Market, while small, contains as many fish varieties as those in Sydney and Tokyo.
5-Hubby still loves Costco so that membership did not go away.
6-If you have entered the hot flash phase, adding spicy peppers will aggravate that lovely symptom. :(
I'm six years away from an empty nest (though I have one heading off to college in 2026) but one of the things I really wonder about will be what it's going to be like when it is just me and my husband at home. My husband had two kids from his first marriage that we had shared custody of, so we never really had a "just the two of us" phase to our marriage. By the time our youngest goes to college, we'll have been married for 26+ years and parenting together for all of it. I'm not nervous about what it will be like to have it be just the two of us but I just... can't quite picture it yet.
Some nostalgia for sure - some effort to find a new rhythm of the day and week, a lot of counseling them in the first months at college, and a lot of open space/time to explore! Yes, I can take a weekend trip whenever or join my husband on a work trip and work remotely from San Fran in February! and not have to work around school schedules. I can do yoga whenever it fits into my work schedule. When they come home to visit, I do revert to buying foods each person likes/will eat (a vegetarian and one with lots of food allergies) because you want them to want to come home, right? I suspect the 4 years in college is a transition phase for them and me... so enjoying these moments just as I treasured all the other phases! My son, who is the youngest and last to go to college, a freshman, called me last week, and I thought, what do you need? Is everything ok? b/c 18yr olds, as we know, don't call; they text. But he just wanted to talk while he was working on a project (multitasker - he called his sister that night, who was also happily surprised). He is finding his way, working hard in a car racing club (building a car) he loves, meeting an incredibly diverse group of people, being his best self, and loving his new adventure. I have become more intentional with my time with them, as who knows where they may move after college and how things will change again in four years! Last January, I took my daughter to Paris for 6 days of her January break (Paris is cheaper in January, cold, but still Paris!). It was magical. Jet lag, the Orsay, croissants every morning, and attempts to converse in French with French waiters. And she is so busy now as a junior, I don't think that kind of escape will happen again! Just one more year, and she will graduate. It is amazing to see them figure themselves out, find friends, and forge their unique path to adulthood. They inspire me. I went back to college part-time myself!! Masters in sustainability. I am also working on a book. Now we all have homework on the weekends. In this new phase, they still need me, just in a different way - as a sounding board, a supporter, and a coach. And I get to learn from them! It's all good.
My friend, Jerry, said that he has a lot more sex with his wife now that he is an empty-nester -- so I'm really looking forward to having more sex with his wife next year.
I really appreciate this post. My oldest is a senior and leaving home and I'm just....really sad about it! At some point I'll have to be more constructive. It helps to have a friend group that will be experiencing the same thing.
Wonderul piece. Warning. When they graduate from college, you are really empty nesting. That’s when I went through my malaise. Once that final tuition check was paid tho. — wow!! Freedom. Except the phone bills. Somehow they are all still on my Verizon plan which is just this side of a mortgage payment. I think about cutting them off - and can’t quite cut that final string.
As an almost empty nester, I'm amazed by the change in grocery shopping! Even though I still have one teenager in the house, I can get through the grocery store with just a basket that I hold (or rather my son holds it as he insists upon it). We causally walk through the grocery store chatting and getting the things we need with no stress about meal planning or running out of toilet paper. And he's fond of baguette so I've actually become that woman frequently seen with a baguette under her arm! 😂
I still have a couple of years, but I suspect that I will once again be grateful that I have twins and should go through this stage all at once in a rip-off-the bandaid kind of way.
And, "the psychological static of parenting" is perfect.
I love this! I'm 4 years from empty-nesting but appreciate the honesty around some of the glossy myths of the post-kid years: "you can travel!" Sure, just as soon as my trust fund kicks in...still waiting.
One of the things we did was the week after the last one left home we did go away for a couple nights - nothing super fancy - but it was as if we were turning a page. When we got home it felt like a fresh start to us too! Another bonus aside from groceries being cheaper - eating out became a thing for the two of us as a treat. Sitting at the bar with a cocktail and snacks was a perfect Wednesday night date!
I am a year and a half into my empty-nest journey (I just have one kid). I spent her first year away just leaning into YES. Doing all the things I hadn't had time for in the past 18 years. Anybody want to go to this cool event on a random Tuesday night? Want to join (another) chorus? And yes, some trips with just my husband. It's been great. For a little while, I almost felt like I was reuniting with my 32-year-old self (my age when I became a mom). Do I miss her? Sure - but she's having fun (and forgets to call us).
I love this!! A soon-to-be-empty-nest friend and I are actually making a vision board of fun things we want to do together - events and shows and activities and weird places to visit. Lots of YES!
After wanting to eat nothing but fish sticks, mac & cheese, Spam, and cereal her whole life, in spite of my efforts to introduce variety, my eldest came home from college all enthused about these awesome new, super-tasty foods she'd discovered. Like...tomatoes, for gawd's sake. So don't be surprised if they feel the need to school you on what a limited kind of life you have been living.
And one by one as the kids moved out, I missed the piles of their leavings for exactly zero seconds. I got my house back and time, and headspace, and, thanks to pre-grieving, maybe, but maybe not... all the sorrow I thought I'd feel never materialized. The great thing is, you now get to actually enjoy your kids in a whole different way than ever before. Fear not. The best is yet to come.
I’m not entirely an empty nester, but when my oldest was leaving for college two summers ago, I wrote a whole lot about that. It was a really fraught time for me. I can only assure you that as it turns out, there are things that change for the better beyond the exciting use of pepper flakes. (which I experienced as well, what is that?) We think of it as closing a book but really it’s just starting a new chapter to use a terribly trite cliché. You got this!
Also, wow, will you love those FaceTime calls for advice when they come in. ❤️
Love this!!!
1-Both of my sons became more obnoxious for the last 6 months at home as in more argumentative and curmudgeonly. It made their departures easier to take.
2-My one son who pressed every last one of my buttons was the one to call me on Sundays. Our first phone call lasted longer than all he spoke to me in the previous few months.
3-I loved being able to see my freshly cleaned kitchen counters and empty sink for more than a couple minutes, more like a few hours!
4-For us, traveling meant driving to Portland, Maine for the foodie scene. Walking into Standard Bakery is like entering a Parisian boulangerie (yes, baguettes in the morning and at 4pm) and Harbor fish Market, while small, contains as many fish varieties as those in Sydney and Tokyo.
5-Hubby still loves Costco so that membership did not go away.
6-If you have entered the hot flash phase, adding spicy peppers will aggravate that lovely symptom. :(
I have, indeed, entered the hot flash phase....
We live about an hour and forty minutes from Portland, and I suspect we will be going there a lot! The restaurant scene really has gotten amazing.
I'm six years away from an empty nest (though I have one heading off to college in 2026) but one of the things I really wonder about will be what it's going to be like when it is just me and my husband at home. My husband had two kids from his first marriage that we had shared custody of, so we never really had a "just the two of us" phase to our marriage. By the time our youngest goes to college, we'll have been married for 26+ years and parenting together for all of it. I'm not nervous about what it will be like to have it be just the two of us but I just... can't quite picture it yet.
Upsides:
- I get my favorite cozy chair
- No more surprise cooking messes in the kitchen
- Better access to the washer & dryer
- Getting a word in edgewise
Downsides
- No surprises of fresh baked cookies
- No spontaneous hugs
- Less casual conversation about day-to-day things
- The loss of feeling needed - can she really be all grown up and independent?!
*sigh*
Some nostalgia for sure - some effort to find a new rhythm of the day and week, a lot of counseling them in the first months at college, and a lot of open space/time to explore! Yes, I can take a weekend trip whenever or join my husband on a work trip and work remotely from San Fran in February! and not have to work around school schedules. I can do yoga whenever it fits into my work schedule. When they come home to visit, I do revert to buying foods each person likes/will eat (a vegetarian and one with lots of food allergies) because you want them to want to come home, right? I suspect the 4 years in college is a transition phase for them and me... so enjoying these moments just as I treasured all the other phases! My son, who is the youngest and last to go to college, a freshman, called me last week, and I thought, what do you need? Is everything ok? b/c 18yr olds, as we know, don't call; they text. But he just wanted to talk while he was working on a project (multitasker - he called his sister that night, who was also happily surprised). He is finding his way, working hard in a car racing club (building a car) he loves, meeting an incredibly diverse group of people, being his best self, and loving his new adventure. I have become more intentional with my time with them, as who knows where they may move after college and how things will change again in four years! Last January, I took my daughter to Paris for 6 days of her January break (Paris is cheaper in January, cold, but still Paris!). It was magical. Jet lag, the Orsay, croissants every morning, and attempts to converse in French with French waiters. And she is so busy now as a junior, I don't think that kind of escape will happen again! Just one more year, and she will graduate. It is amazing to see them figure themselves out, find friends, and forge their unique path to adulthood. They inspire me. I went back to college part-time myself!! Masters in sustainability. I am also working on a book. Now we all have homework on the weekends. In this new phase, they still need me, just in a different way - as a sounding board, a supporter, and a coach. And I get to learn from them! It's all good.
My friend, Jerry, said that he has a lot more sex with his wife now that he is an empty-nester -- so I'm really looking forward to having more sex with his wife next year.
Hahahahha! Me too!
Cool -- I'll let her know -- I think she'd be down.
That Days Inn in Albany is really quite nice.
I really appreciate this post. My oldest is a senior and leaving home and I'm just....really sad about it! At some point I'll have to be more constructive. It helps to have a friend group that will be experiencing the same thing.
Wonderul piece. Warning. When they graduate from college, you are really empty nesting. That’s when I went through my malaise. Once that final tuition check was paid tho. — wow!! Freedom. Except the phone bills. Somehow they are all still on my Verizon plan which is just this side of a mortgage payment. I think about cutting them off - and can’t quite cut that final string.
As an almost empty nester, I'm amazed by the change in grocery shopping! Even though I still have one teenager in the house, I can get through the grocery store with just a basket that I hold (or rather my son holds it as he insists upon it). We causally walk through the grocery store chatting and getting the things we need with no stress about meal planning or running out of toilet paper. And he's fond of baguette so I've actually become that woman frequently seen with a baguette under her arm! 😂
Loved reading this post - so relatable!
I still have a couple of years, but I suspect that I will once again be grateful that I have twins and should go through this stage all at once in a rip-off-the bandaid kind of way.
And, "the psychological static of parenting" is perfect.
I love this! I'm 4 years from empty-nesting but appreciate the honesty around some of the glossy myths of the post-kid years: "you can travel!" Sure, just as soon as my trust fund kicks in...still waiting.
One of the things we did was the week after the last one left home we did go away for a couple nights - nothing super fancy - but it was as if we were turning a page. When we got home it felt like a fresh start to us too! Another bonus aside from groceries being cheaper - eating out became a thing for the two of us as a treat. Sitting at the bar with a cocktail and snacks was a perfect Wednesday night date!
I am a year and a half into my empty-nest journey (I just have one kid). I spent her first year away just leaning into YES. Doing all the things I hadn't had time for in the past 18 years. Anybody want to go to this cool event on a random Tuesday night? Want to join (another) chorus? And yes, some trips with just my husband. It's been great. For a little while, I almost felt like I was reuniting with my 32-year-old self (my age when I became a mom). Do I miss her? Sure - but she's having fun (and forgets to call us).
I love this!! A soon-to-be-empty-nest friend and I are actually making a vision board of fun things we want to do together - events and shows and activities and weird places to visit. Lots of YES!