I am in my unsubscribing era.
I think I’ve made this declaration before—maybe even here on this very Substack—but this time I really mean it. Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe. UNSUBSCRIBE! That’s me. Grinning maniacally as I scroll down to that teeny little line of type at the bottom of the email.
I’m unsubscribing even from companies and organizations I’ve been getting emails from for years, or that I’ve resisted unsubscribing from before. Even if I’ve semi enjoyed getting the emails. (I’m sorry, The Skimm.)
I just need less crap pouring into my inbox. The Primary AND the Promotions ones. Less news. Less donation requesting. Less selling. Less clutter on my screen and static in my brain. Less shit in my life.
And let me tell you, it is incredibly satisfying. Kinda like a good nose blow, or a productive cough.
Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra frisky, I even go the extra step and answer the “why did you unsubscribe” survey at the end.
But often times, you see, the appropriate answer—or, like, the really accurate answer—is not there.
So, here’s the complete list of “why did you unsubscribe” options I would need. (Please feel free to add your personal additions in the comments.)
__ I no longer want to receive these emails
__ There are too many emails
__ I never signed up for these emails
__ These emails are a constant reminder of the dystopia that is our current political reality and they crush my spirit on a daily basis.
__ These emails are for one of the twelve Jane Ropers in UK whose emails I regularly get. I am not now nor have I ever been a member of the Shropshire Horticultural Society.
__ Actually, on second thought, don’t unsubscribe me. Perhaps it would take my mind off the dystopia that is our current political reality to imagine that I am living in a quaint village in Shropshire, doing things like attending Horticultural Society meetings and drinking tea.
__ These emails just make me angry that Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries are still in charge. Seriously, guys. Get your shit together.
__ These emails make me feel guilty about not donating to your organization even though I really, truly do care about [climate change, gun control, LGBTQ rights, homelessness, hunger, childhood cancer, immigrant rights, civil rights, Alzheimer’s, stopping private jet port expansion, women’s healthcare], and the vital work you are doing. Thank you for your service! I’ll just slink away now and hope you don’t notice.
__ These emails make me laugh so hard I have peed my pants on several occasions. Do you honestly think I’m going to donate to the giant state university in the midwest where I spent two years on the far, far edge of campus for grad school and even there occasionally had to step over puddles of cold frat boy vomit? LOL. I’m sending you the bill for my pants.
__ These emails are freaking me out because I started getting them within six hours of having a conversation with a friend about how I really want to go to Greece someday, and now all of a sudden you’re sending me Athens flight and hotel deals? WTF?!!
__ I *definitely* never signed up for these emails. I do not live in Missouri, and I would rather disembowel myself than donate to or vote for a MAGA Republican.
__ These emails are for the Jane Roper who lives in Greensboro, North Carolina, and I’ve actually gone the trouble of calling you—twice!—to tell you that you have the wrong email address, and if North Carolina Jane Roper isn’t showing up at her physical therapy appointments, it’s because you’re still sending the reminders to the wrong person, and I sure hope she isn’t getting charged.
__These emails link to articles that I really, really want to read, so I don’t delete them for days, but I never find time to actually read the articles, and the emails just sit there in my inbox glaring at me disapprovingly, thinking “You know, if you stopped going on social media and playing Spelling Bee and watching dumb TV, you’d have time to read the articles. Just saying.” And I can’t take it anymore.
__ These emails make me feel like I’m old and hideous, but if I would just buy your skincare products I will look 35 again. And if I keep getting these emails I will go broke because I keep buying your skin products and they are NOT making me look 35. Look at my neck. LOOK AT IT!
__ These emails are destroying the earth. Do you know how much water and electricity server farms use? No, seriously. Do you?
__ These emails started pouring on a daily basis in after I visited your website once—ONCE!—for, like, ten seconds. I hate everything.
__ I JUST DON’T WANT THEM. Yes, I know that was the very first option, but it wasn’t in all caps.
__ Other. And no, I’m not going to type in why. Leave me alone.
That pretty much covers it.
Now, I invite you to join me in the mini-release that is unsubscribing. But not from me!! Obviously.
Here’s a picture of Shropshire, to entice you to stay.
Ahhh. Lovely.
All posts on my Substack are free, but writing is how I make my living. If you like what you read, please consider leaving me a one-time tip or upgrading to a paid subscription. Or, consider buying my book. (It’s good!) Thank you as always for reading. xoxo Jane
This is New Yorker humor column-worthy.
1000xs yes