Three holiday songs that make me crazy

I adore Christmas music, but I have some notes.

It’s the holiday season, and I am so here for it. (Hahaha I sounded like a millennial just then.)

I know this isn’t a particularly original sentiment but, gosh, I love Christmas. A big part of it is nostalgia for the Christmases of my childhood, and I feel that a bit more tenderly since my dad died nearly three years ago. That man loved Christmas, too. He was all about the magic of it, and making it magical for my brother and me. He was also all about wearing red/green/white plaid pants on Christmas day. Respect. (Christmases with him during my adult life were another thing altogether, but let’s not go there right now.)

Anyway. Christmas carols and songs are an extremely important ingredient in the holiday experience for me. If you are in my car or my house during the month of December, chances are I will make you listen to them—and sing along. Actually, it’s fine if you don’t want to sing; but I will be singing. I know all the words.

HOWEVER. I do not love all Christmas songs equally. Some of them (or portions of them) make me want to throw things.

Let’s look at a few examples, shall we?

Actually, before we do, I should note that this post was inspired by Lyz over at the Substack Men Yell at Me, who recently excoriated ‘The Little Drummer Boy.’ I am 100% on board with her critique of the song’s premise (honestly, what kind of gift is drumming for a newborn baby and his mother?). But I actually kind of like the song itself, no doubt in large part because it was on an album—nay, the title track of an album—that was in heavy rotation during the Christmases of my childhood. That old nostalgia trumps inappropriate gifts, repetitive pa-rumpa-bum-bums, and, apparently, creepy dolls with drums every time.

Somebody get that kid some plaid pants!

So, if not intrusive child percussionists, what does annoy me in the Christmas song canon? I’m so glad you asked.

Let’s begin with ‘Wonderful Christmastime.” Every time this song comes on in a store or on the radio, I feel instantly exhausted. I can’t quite put my finger on why this song annoys me so much. Maybe it’s the repetitive and insipidly peppy melody? Maybe it’s the vapid lyrics? (“The mood is right. The spirit’s up. We’re here tonight. And that’s enough.” Enough for what?) Maybe it’s the fact that “We’re simply having a wonderful Christmas time” answers a question that nobody asked. (Did you ask Paul McCartney and his pals what they were doing? I certainly didn’t.) Or maybe it’s just that I expect more—a LOT more—from the guy who wrote “Blackbird” and “Yesterday.” Maybe I’m amazed* he was willing to put this thing into the world. I wish he hadn’t.

*see what I did there?

While we’re talking about songs with the word ‘wonderful’ in them, let’s talk about “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” I actually really like this song—the Andy Williams version specifically. Whenever I hear the first bars, I’m like, yeah, baby! Give me a mint green satin cocktail dress and a martini and let’s party like it’s 1963! I love the big, swingin’ sound, the catchy melody, Andy’s lounge-y delivery, and the fun lyrics. “With the kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer” is some good songwriting right there.

But then…the bridge:

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago

What?? Marshmallows? Ghost stories? In what universe are these things EVER part of Christmas? I mean, I guess it’s possible that someone, somewhere, has toasted marshmallows on or around Christmas, but it’s not like it’s a thing. Nor are ghost stories. (Were they in the 50s and 60s? I don’t think so…) And I don’t even know what to make of the “tales of the glories” part. What exactly happened on these long ago Christmases that could be considered “glories”? Were there epic battles? Feats of strength? Visits from the queen? Gather round kids, and I’ll tell you the tale of the glorious Christmas of ‘22!

I feel like the songwriters are trying to trick us into thinking that these things are normal parts of a typical American Christmas, just sliding them in like that. Or maybe they think we’ll be too drunk on swingin’ holiday cocktails to notice. Well I noticed. Dammit.

And then, sigh, there’s Do They Know it’s Christmas — the song recorded in 1984 by a bunch of British pop stars (plus Bono) to help raise money for aid for the famine in Ethiopia.

Oh boy.

I’ll begin by saying that, again, my nostalgia glands (ew) are triggered by this song, because it came out when I was a tween, and I somehow ended up with a 45 of it, which I thought was very cool. Like I was part of a MOVEMENT, you know? Also, I was a big fan of Duran Duran and Wham! at the time, so I felt like: Yeah, man. These are my people. And they are so nice to do this!!

But now I listen to the lyrics and… yikes. There’s the laughable “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime.” (Yes, because famine exacerbates the snowlessness of a continent where it basically never snows.) The condescending “Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?” (I would think at least some of the two-thirds of the Ethiopian population that’s Christian had some inkling that it was.) And, worst of all, Bono bellowing “Tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you!” Ugh.

But it’s more than just the lyrics. There’s something tone deaf about the whole enterprise—a bunch of rich white dudes (and the main vocals are all done by rich white dudes) having a grand old time in a Notting Hill studio, burnishing their images in the process (Exhibit A: fifth grade me, thinking it was so nice of them to do this!), while thousands of people are dying. Hey, thank God it’s them instead of us!

However: I highly recommend checking out the video, if for no other reason than to gawk at a smokin’ hot young Sting. The fact that he seems slightly embarrassed to be there makes him that much hotter. Imagine having him as your English teacher? My god, I would have been standing so close to him every chance I got.

There are countless other Christmas songs that I could gleefully nitpick with a loving twinkle in my eye. For example, have you noticed that Feliz Navidad is the same verse and chorus over and over again, like thirty times? (And yet I still love singing along.) And can we discuss why My Favorite Things is suddenly considered a Christmas song for some reason? (Just because it has the words “winter” and “snowflakes” in it? Please.)

BUT, this post is getting long, and I don’t want to cut into anyone’s seasonal marshmallow toasting time.

Happy holiday listening, my friends. As always, thanks for reading.

P.S. Here’s another piece I wrote about Christmas. It involves Jesus, but not like you think.

P.P.S. There’s still time to enter the giveaway of my forthcoming novel, The Society of Shame, over on Goodreads. Enter by Dec. 14 to win one of 50 advance copies! Getting lots of contest entries helps build visibility and buzz for the book, so thank you in advance for entering.