Menopause, mansplained.

Time travel with me to 1971 for the answers you've been waiting for

I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes it is hard to come up with ideas for what to write about on this here Substack, and keep up with my breakneck pace of 1.7 average posts per month. But every once in a while a little something is dropped into my lap by the universe—or, in this case, into the mail by a friend—and, voila, a post is born.

I knew before I even cracked this puppy open it was going to be a treasure trove. Just look at that benevolent, 60-something male doctor there on the cover in his Mad Men glasses, smiling reassuringly at us as menopausal gals if to say, “You’re welcome.”

I was initially a little puzzled by the title, “Make Menopause Easier,” especially given that all other titles in this series by the author, George C. Thosteson, M.D. (in collaboration with Jack Pickering), have a very clear “how to” vibe. They include:

DON’T LET DIVERTICULOSIS THROW YOU

CONTROL YOUR CHOLESTEROL SENSIBLY

YOU CAN STOP SINUS TROUBLE

HIATAL HERNIA AND EIGHT WAYS TO COMBAT IT

and

THE PESKY PROSTATE (that’s not so much a “how to” title, but I obviously had to include it.)

Whereas “Make Menopause Easier” sounds more like a plea to the gods.

I think what the title means is “Make menopause easier on yourself.” Because this is exactly what George C. Thosteton explains how to do. Specifically by not getting all bent out of shape about it.

As he explains on page 6:

“A lesson to be taken to heart is to refuse to be panicked by the ‘scare stories’ told by women who relate (and sometimes magnify) the troubles they had, and assure you that you are bound to experience the same thing…. Remember that the menopause is a perfectly normal change in the human system which every woman, if she lives long enough, must encounter. Women have been going through it since the beginning of human history. Our grandmothers got through it—and our ancestors for thousands of years before them.”

Got that? The Menopause is not a big deal. Just relax. Your grandmother did. And the cave women. Also? Smile. You look so much prettier when you smile.

Dr. Thosteton does, however, concede, that a severe hot flash, for example, can be disturbing.

“A severe flash my persist for five or sometimes 10 minutes, with such sweating that the sufferer is ‘wringing wet.’ This certainly is not pleasant. It can, if you don’t know about it in advance, even be scary. It certainly does nothing to enhance your usual calm demeanor!”

(And your usual demeanor IS calm, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?)

Speaking of which: If you buy into the misconception that you are “in danger of losing your mind” or “helplessly doomed to be cross and crabby” on account of the menopause, let Dr. T set you straight:

“I concede that the discomforts and annoyances of menopause may make you feel snappish, but so can a cold in the head, an upset stomach, a sore toe, or a boil on the back of your neck…. The first rule of getting through menopause with the least discomfort is to understand it, accept it as a perfectly normal phenomenon, and let your doctor prescribe medication if you need it.”

He then goes on to say that a mild sedative or horse tranquilizer might help.

Sorry, not a horse tranquilizer. Just a regular one.

In the good doctor’s defense, I assume not as much was known about the connection between hormones and moodswings and depression back in 1971 when this was written. (Holy shit I cannot believe this was written three years before I was born I am so old.)

So maybe we should forgive him for saying things like, “We are likewise fooling ourselves (and families) if we use the menopause as an excuse to be grumbling and irritable. Yes, there will be some feeling of being uncomfortable, but treat it like any other of the discomforts that we must all encounter at one time or another in our lives.”

On second though, no. Let’s not forgive him.

Especially since the next thing he says is: “Do not make the mistake of becoming careless about your personal appearance. Take the same pains you would have taken a few years before to keep your figure and your interests.”

He really does know how to MAKE MENOPAUSE EASIER doesn’t he??

Oh. And in case you were wondering: vaginal itching and dryness *might* be related to the menopause. However: “I most certainly do not imply that it happens to all women, or even to most. It is the exception. It can be easily treated….the one way NOT to get rid of such trouble is to say, ‘Oh, it’s the menopause!’ Entirely too many things are blamed on menopause when, in reality, they are independent of it and could easily be corrected.”

Translation: No more using the menopause as an excuse not to have sex with your husbands, ladies!

Also, menopause doesn’t cause weight gain. As Dr. T explains, “Other factors do. We slow down physically in the 40’s. We don’t get as much exercise. We get more rest. Often we eat (and perhaps drink) more. So we put on weight…. We are only fooling ourselves if we blame it on ‘the menopause.’”

Again, Dr. T and his colleagues probably didn’t know as much as we know now about the connection between weight gain and dropping levels of estrogen, so I am willing to cut him a little slack on this point. Especially because look at this nice little bone he throws to us in answer to the question of whether the menopause causes women to become less attractive:

“Femininity and attractiveness are not sacrificed because of menopause, and if you will take note, there are actresses and other women who remain extremely attractive and beautiful although past menopause age.”

Well, thank GOD.

Actresses. They’re just like us.

Jennifer Aniston, age 55. If she can look this good after menopause, you have no excuse not to. Bet she has a calm demeanor, too.

And, if you were wondering what effect menopause might have on your sexual desire—assuming you don’t have ALMOST DEFINITELY NOT RELATED, SILLY vaginal itching—there’s more good news:

“As a matter of fact, many women become more receptive to sexual activity after menopause because they can put out of their minds the fear of becoming pregnant.” (HINT, HINT, Mrs. Doctor Thosteton!)

See? Menopause really isn’t that bad. Hot flashes and night sweats and vaginal dryness and a thickening middle and decreased collagen production (and the resulting jowls) and moodswings and the end of your fertility and everything it represents—they’re just a normal part of life. Accept them. Dress nicely. And keep having sex with your husband.

Or, as Dr. George C. Thosteton, M.D. says:

“Menopause is a natural phase in a woman’s life. Whereas adolescence is the beginning of her child bearing potential, menopause is the end, but not the end of living, charm, or femininity. Menopause is not to be feared, because it is inevitable.”

Glad we got that cleared up.

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All posts on Jane’s Calamity are free and publicly available, but writing is how I make my living. If you enjoy my work, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription, or buying my latest book (in which perimenopause is a major character.) Thank you!

And on another note completely: I’m excited to share that I’m starting to actively (re)build my creative coaching and editorial business. If you or someone you know is looking for accountability, guidance, and feedback as they write a book, or has a completed manuscript (or shorter pieces) they’d like to have reviewed / edited by a Published Author (tm) and writing instructor with a degree from a fancy MFA program, please feel free to contact me at janeroper@gmail.com to discuss!

P.S. Here’s some more terrific stuff that George C. Thosteson, M.D. has to say.