5 fun things to take your mind off the election

Dragons, snakes, angels, Abraham Lincoln, and gourds. You're welcome!

I got up this morning with every intention of getting in a few good hours of writing, but I couldn’t for the life of me concentrate. I’d write a few words or sentences and then take a break to Google stupid things like “who will win the election?” and then scary things like “civil unrest if Trump loses?” (I’m afraid it’s nearly guaranteed.)

Then, to take my mind off that, I’d do something fun like scrounging around on eBay for a discontinued Bare Minerals foundation stick that I love. (I found one! And in the right color! Hurray for consumerism, rescuing me in my time of need!)

I managed to get a little day job work in, and a quick run, but now the day is basically over. After I’m done with this Substack, I’m going to do some phone banking for the Democrats.

My pal Jenna Blum and I made calls on Saturday, and it was not nearly as scary as I feared it would be, in part because we were mostly calling people who had registered for Harris/Walz rallies, to confirm that they were attending. It’s actually kind of therapeutic to make these calls, because so many people are so lovely, and so fired up to vote. And you feel like you’re doing something at least. (My efforts even managed to guilt/inspire my grumpy husband to pick up a shift.)

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It’s not too late to make calls yourself. (You can even do it on Election Day.) You’ll be calling likely Democratic voters, not trying to convince Republicans not to vote for fascism. I mean, for Trump. You can even just do a few calls and bail if you hate it.

But this post is not (entirely) an exhortation to volunteer last minute. In the interest of providing a bit of diversion at this most anxious time (there’s a meme going around likening it to waiting for a biopsy to come back), I thought I’d pull together a few fun sources of distraction, at the risk of revealing what a total cheeseball I am.

1. A Majestic Dragon

Back in the early 2000s, in case you missed it— maybe because you were too busy trying to figure out how to use your Blackberry or wondering if the new “Facebook” thing would catch on—there was a truly weird and wonderful short animation series online called Homestar Runner. One of the recurring segments featured a character named StrongBad answering his fan emails. The most legendary one is the one where he teaches viewers (and others) how to draw a dragon. But not just any dragon: Trogdor the Burninator. Guard your thatched roof cottages—and ballot boxes—because he’s on his way.

2. Iguana vs. Snakes

Before Snoop Dogg was hanging out at the olympics talking about dressage and getting stoned with Martha Stewart, he was occasionally hosting the “Plizzanet Earth” segment on the Jimmy Kimmel show. This episode, featuring a shit-ton of snakes, makes me laugh every time. And almost never makes me think that the snakes vaguely resemble an angry mob of the sort that might storm a government building if their candidate loses.

3. Denise, the receptionist in Heaven

Former Miss New York Taryn Delanie Smith makes videos where she plays Denise, the receptionist in heaven, and they are a damned delight. Follow her on Instagram (or TikTok if that’s your thing — it’s not mine because I am old) and go way down this charming rabbit hole. Mostly the videos are funny, but sometimes she does special request ones for people who have lost loved ones and they are sad and sweet and lovely. She almost makes you forget that there are millions of people who are OK voting for a convicted sex criminal who jokes about shooting journalists and political rivals and calls undocumented immigrants “monsters” and “vermin,” because they think somehow his winning will make eggs cheaper.

taryndelaniesmith

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4. An America-themed joke:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln, who?

What, you’ve never heard of me?

I’m not sure if this joke is actually funny, but it’s a family favorite. Whatever you do, don’t try to imagine the look of horror that would appear on Abraham Lincoln’s long, bearded face if he read a transcript of any given rally speech by Donald Trump and was then told that this man had not only been president once, but might well become president again.

5. Decorative Gourds

One of the scenes in my novel-in-progress that I did manage to work on a little bit today involves a cornucopia full of decorative gourds. I had to work gourds into my book somehow, because what kind of motherfucker doesn’t like them? Take a minute to read the original decorative gourd masterpiece—even if you’ve read it a thousand times before.

And then, if you feel just a little too cheerful after that, hop over to my former blogging home and read the parody I did of the piece six Novembers ago, right around the time of the Bret Kavanaugh hearings and midterm elections, It’s Smash the Patriarchy Season, Motherfuckers. Don’t worry. It’s no longer relevant at ALL! Nope. Not a bit.

Welp. I may not have completely succeeded in the whole distract and divert thing, for you or myself, but it was worth a try.

And now, I’m off to make calls.

See you on the other side, my friends.

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